the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
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No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
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I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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