Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
