so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
