Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
