im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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