I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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