Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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