smell my finger.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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