Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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