New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
