I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
