she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
how can u be prego again
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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