I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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