So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
