You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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