I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize