Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i drank out of a bidet.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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