woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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