the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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