My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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