I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
