I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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