The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
