It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
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He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
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While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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