Soap is not a condiment
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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