I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
