I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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