Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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