my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
