just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
