i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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