just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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