remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
