bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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