watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
