i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
