Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
