I love black thongs
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Well I just put wine in my tea
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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