New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
