Tell her she can't have a vagina
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
