I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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