She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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