Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
