does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Michael Bay diarrhea
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
