dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
