College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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