I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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