I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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