For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
