sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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