i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Randomize
