I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
