apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
