Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
