i need an iv and a liver transplant
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
