end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
