I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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