god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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