hotel room ftw
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
